So my wife is finally getting the 45 minutes of sleep the baby allows her between feedings. And I am doing my best to keep her child quiet and happy, and by that, I mean asleep.

Typically I begin by putting her in the sound-activated automated rocking swing, or the Rockinator. That rarely works, even with soothing music: "Fur Elise" played incessantly on a one-note synthesizer. I find her screaming loudly and rocking out of control.

Then, I try burping her, which devolves into me holding her to my chest, which is okay when she's not looking for food from one of my nipples.

At last, she finally falls asleep, through some magical coordination of jostling, singing, hugging that I am certain I will never be able to create. Unfortunately, now I am, pinned, wherever I am sitting, deathly afraid to move lest I stir her.

We played out this very drama this morning. I, of course, had learned the secret. I stock up that little corner with breakfast essentials, a pile of newspapers, and my cup of coffee.

Currently, J.B. relies on me to read the newspaper to her. Her horoscope warned: "Demands at work intensify."

She is also very interested in the California gubernatorial race. I believe she will vote for Gallagher. Smash-O-Politics appeal to her infantile sense of humor.

Having finished my breakfast, I reach for my coffee, which I alas was too far away.

But I can handle the coffee. I'm an educated man.

Hence (see, I use words like hence), I devised a mechanism by which I could slide my cereal bowl forward on a place mat, then slide my coffee towards me, without spilling either. As I slowly glided the place mat towards me, in nanomovements, trying to maintain a consistent breathing pattern so as not to disturb the guards, the remote to the tv clatters to the floor, activating the sound-activated automated rocking swing, waking the baby, jarring my arm, hitting the mat, and spilling the coffee.

Rube Goldberg couldn't have designed it better.

Gross Anatomy: or
Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the changing pad
(what follows is possibly even grosser than the delivery episode)

They say with boys you need to watch out for pee streams when you are changing him. J.B. is a match for any boy in this respect. She is number 1 at number 2.
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