Remember me? I made a new mix CD, just for you! I was going to leave it on your doorstep, but I knew someone would steal it if it wasn't locked up... then I remembered finding your backdoor key while installing your stereo, so I just let myself in and left the mix in your bedroom. Here's the playlist:

01 - "Everybody's Stalking" - Badly Drawn Boy

02 - "Watching You" - Melissa Etheridge

04 - "Eye in the Sky" - The Alan Parsons Project

07 - "Every Breath You Take" - The Police

11 - "One Way Or Another" - Blondie

I can explain the missing numbers. There were originally twelve tracks, but when I went through your CD collection I just couldn't find some of the original CDs I assumed you had. So I simply marked the unauthorized tracks with a permanent marker - you know, to protect you from accidental listening. I hope the CD still works! Some of those missing songs were really good, though: In particular, I love that bit from Kristy MacColl's "Treachery" when she sings

"I'm stalking a fan /

He's gone to the record store /

To buy a CD /

By some other girl, not me!"

Oops, just realized that now I've left you some of her lyrics - that's a gray area, so you should probably just own the song. No problem - after rooting around in your desk drawer I found a $20 under your diary, and I'm headed out now to pick up the CD. No need to thank me!

-- RIAA

P.S. Call me!

It has been 24 hours now, and I still haven't heard from you. Didn't you like the playlist? Don't you think I'm sincere? You think I'm insincere, don't you? You guessed parts of the list were copied, didn't you? Fine, I'll admit it: I stole part of that playlist from a website. Since I'm coming clean, here is the original list:

Songs To Stalk Someone By (love series vol. 3)

01 - "Just My Imagination" - Temptations

02 - "Turn Around, Look At Me" - The Vogues

03 - "Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You" - Frankie Valli

04 - "My Eyes Adored You" - Frankie Valli

05 - "She's So High" - Tal Bachman

06 - "Jesse's Girl" - Rick Springfield

07 - "Hello, I Love You" - The Doors

08 - "Ladder" - Joan Osborne

09 - "One Way Or Another" - Blondie

10 - "I Am So Ordinary" - Paula Cole

11 - "Jealousy" - Natalie Merchant

12 - "David Duchovny" - Bree Sharp

13 - "Watching You" - Melissa Etheridge

14 - "Must Be Crazy for Me" - Melissa Etheridge

15 - "Angels Would Fall" - Melissa Etheridge

16 - "Out-A-Touch" - Pat Benetar

17 - "Every Breath You Take" - Police

18 - "In The Air Tonight" - Phil Collins

19 - "Bad Moon Rising" - Creedence Clearwater Revival

Yes, I feel horrible about stealing that poor girl's idea - ever since I took it, she doesn't have it anymore! Worse, now you must doubt my playlist was from the heart. But don't doubt me. Can't you understand what genuine feelings that led me to commit such a desperate act of imitation?

I will make this up to you. I will make things right. I will do it the only way that makes sense: with another mix CD.  Just write down your preferences and leave the note out, oh, anywhere in your house.

I'll slip in periodically to check for it.

Forgive me,

RIAA

P.S. I double-checked your collection to be sure you were still allowed to listen to those mix songs, just in case something had changed while I was out.  When I was looking up "Every Breath You Take," I happened to notice that you had a ripped copy of Puffy's "I'll be Missing You" single. I couldn't find the original CD, though, and I worried that perhaps you had sold it. I couldn't be sure, so I threw away the backup just to be safe. See? I'm always looking out for you.

Don't worry, I'm upset AT ALL about the note you left on your door... I'm just confused. Most of it was clearly a joke, but you underlined the top part that said "NO MORE STALKER SONGS!!" several times. I'm guessing you have run out of stalker songs - probably because all of your managed rights expired. Do you need more? If you need more, I'll be happy to find some for you. Anything for you.

Love,

RIAA

P.S. You somehow accidentally forgot to leave your spare keys out. Luckily, I'd unlocked your bathroom window earlier, just in case, so I pulled off the screen and climbed in that way. Probably better to just give me a copy of your key - otherwise someone might mistake me for a common burglar!

I haven't heard back since my last note. Total silence. It has now been over three hours, so I thought it was time for us to have an honest talk about why you are ignoring me. Do you hate me? Did you just dislike the mix? Maybe you were just confused because I forgot to include the playlist information. Anyway, here it is:

01 - "Stalker" - Mob Godiva.

02 - "Stalker" - El Planatea de Spam.

03 - "Stalker" - Sodomizing Sara(h).

04 - "Stalker" - Work Release.

05 - "AYSO (Stalker)" - Instereo.

06 - "Dream of You (The Stalker)" - AD 2010.

I know, I know, there are only six tracks, which is not enough for an industry standard album... that made me nervous, so I added sixty tracks of silence (fun!) and then rounded it out with a bunch hidden bonus tracks that seemed to fit even though I don't like them as much: "Stalker" by The Feds, "Stalker" by Seven and a Half Feet Out, "Stalker" by Harmony and Kaos, "Stalker" by Kissing Daylight, "Stalker" by Petticons, "Stalker" by 18 Speed Tranny, and "Stalker" by The Great American Bush Co.

You should listen to my mix. You need to listen to my mix. I've locked up all your other CDs in the cabinet and took the key - just for now - to remind you to listen to my mix instead. But don't worry, anytime you get in touch with me I'll be happy to get one out for you.

with devotion,

RIAA

Another sixty minutes have dragged by, and still no word from you. Why have you forsaken me? Haven't I tried? I've been waiting across the street from your place, listening to a copy of this mix over and over and over while I watch the windows of your house, waiting for you to come home. I'm whiling away the time by writing you this note.

I have to say, I originally wasn't sure why you would care about running out of stalker songs, but having listened to these a few times, they are really starting to grow on me. When Mob Godiva sings

"I'm the one who's outside your window /

I'm the one who's outside your door! ...

Just called you five times today /

a lot of breathing but not too much to say /

really happy 'bout the caller ID /

see my name and you think of me."

I think "hey, that's me!" And even though I'm better at writing letters anyway, now I'm thinking about finally working up the courage to call you - not much to say, but maybe the constant checking up on you is enough. What is love but someone who is always there, always watching? I do worry you could take it the wrong way, like in Instereo's song:

"Red light flashing /

on the answering machine /

16 new messages /

Don't come chasing after me baby /

Do realize you're making me crazy?"

...but I don't make you crazy, do I? Do I? I don't. I'm sure I don't. Like Work Release says, "I hate to say I'm stalking you... but I'm stalking you." I'm ready to admit it. And you have to understand, I do it because my heart is pure, like in El Planatea de Spam's song:

"I stalk cause I love you /

I stalk you because I care /

I stalk you cause I need you /

I stalk - I'm everywhere"

But where are you? I'm all alone out here, just watching the front of your house and the darkness behind your unlocked bathroom window, waiting for you to get home. When you do, I'll hear the first strains of the music I've told you to listen to - not that old stuff, but this stuff, the stuff that you should be listening to, listening right now. Still, it is getting cold and dim out here, and easy to despair of you even knowing how dedicated I am to you, or of you even thinking of me at all:

"You don't my name /

You don't know my name /

You don't know my name /

But I know where you live / ...

I saw you at the library /

I saw you at the park /

I know what apartment is yours /

I can find you after dark"

And it is getting dark. Where are you? Why have you forsaken me? I'm starting to have dark thoughts - imagining you've moved away, run off out into the open country. Which is crazy - I happen to know for a fact that your stuff is locked up in your home, and you wouldn't leave without it. But still. Could these independent artists have led you astray? I start to panic, but then I see the moon coming out, and I listen to the romantic lyrics of AD 2010 and know nothing will come between us:

"I haven't seen you for a while /

I've really missed your little smile /

Somebody said that you'd moved away /

I shouldn't follow you /

But don't you worry, I think you should know: /

I'm moving too. /

I'll see you soon /

Next time it's dark /

And there's a full moon"

How true that is. I'll always be here, watching. You really mean a lot to me. Sure, you make me crazy sometimes - and sometimes misbehave so much that I fear I'll have to punish you to make you stop. But I don't want to hurt you. Why would you make me hurt you? Don't do it. Don't make me hurt you.

Soon you'll be home, listening to what I've made for you. Well, not me - actually some indy groups. But we can fix that. We can control them, we can control everything and make everything okay. You must believe me. I'll crush one million indy groups before I let a single one get in our way.

Must wrap up. The monitoring device I installed in your player just paged me. Apparently you just started playing "Stalker."

I guess that means you're home.