My Courageous Story: Part 1

I don’t consider myself a petty person. In fact, before I voice any kind of complaint or criticism about my lot in life, I like to take a few moments to weigh it against sufferings of oppressed peoples such as black South Africans, the Bosnian Serbs/Serbian Bosnians, the Ethiopians of "We Are the World" fame and so many more.

With this in mind, you can be sure that when I say "owning my Volkswagen would be like hanging an albatross born of Hell’s own loins around your neck" I am in no way overstating matters or currying public sympathy.

Now, knowing the Volkswagen aficionados are second only to Trekkies in obsessive adulation of their subject, I expect to receive hate mail via Internet for many months to come. Yes, I know that vintage Volkswagens are loved by hippies and poor Internet users of the world for their easy repairability.

It is true that many common Volkswagen breakdowns can be fixed with a $10 part and a shop manual. However, ownership of $10 and a manual doesn’t mean a goddamned thing to me when I’m stalled at the top of Denny Hill in the middle of rush hour!

For those of you not from the Northwest let me simply say that we are famous for our hilly topography. Our slopes may not be as formidable as K-2 or Everest, but rest assured, they’re plenty tough enough to conquer an over-heating ’86 GTI.

Sure, my car has broken down before, but never in the middle of rush hour traffic, on the steepest hill in town, when I’m ONLY on my way to the PREIMERE of "ARMAGGEDDON." Germans! First Hitler and now this!

Many people have said to me "if a minor stall that held you up for a few minutes is really this upsetting to you, why don’t you just sell the car?"

Because, I consider leadership to be one of greatest qualities a human being can possess. And like many naturally gifted leaders before me, I know that the way to bring a subject to good citizenship is not to relinquish the reigns of power when that subject strains for freedom, but to break its Kraut spirit like a little TWIG!

Thus, I plan to take a page from the book of Bruce "Harry Stamper" Willis. When Harry Stamper saves the world from both Greenpeace AND asteroids in "Armageddon," he doesn’t do it by reasoning with his enemies or passing them off to someone else. He faces the problem head on with ALL NECESSARY FORCE! I will give my own compact, gas-economizing asteroid no quarter! Never more shall its dirty exterior feel the playful kiss of the hose on a hot summer day. Never more shall its upholstery be cleansed of dog hair. Never more shall it hear Wagner played on its loathsome, Aryan-made stereo! No mercy! No prisoners! Vengeance in mine!

And that’s my courageous story.