Bunk Film Reviews

prefabricated bond

Is Pierce Brosnan a person? Or is he a fabrication in a SPECTRE-like conspiracy? After many hours of pouring over films, magazines, and web-sites, what I have discovered is so -- well, first the evidence:

crosshairsWhen it became apparent during the late eighties that Sean Connery and Roger Moore were waning, even if still sexy (see People Magazine "Sexiest Old Men" April 1991), producers hired Timothy Dalton, a real, albeit less sexy, person (www.actual-people.com "Actors Named Timothy.") Dalton wore the Bond mantle for two films, but, in a word, Lazenby-ed because he was too human. The lesson: Human beings can no longer portray Bond.

crosshairsThroughout this fiasco, Pierce Brosnan was supposedly locked in contract to play "Remington Steele" -- a man who claims to be a fictional character. Or, like Pierce playing Bond, is he a fictional character who claims to be a different fictional character? The name, a code, reveals the link. Remington is a razor (Pierce) company and Remington Steele a character/product (i.e. James Bond) suggesting the Brosnan-as-Bond production line was already in place.

crosshairsTruly, Brosnan has been considered a "made-to-order" Bond (Bondquest Magazine March 1999). Even his name is a construct, as the attached document makes clear. "Pierce," my dictionary tells me, can mean "perforate." Hence my hypothesis that he is actually a computer program, which animates a cardboard cut-out.

crosshairsCuriously, no one I know has ever met or seen Mr. Brosnan. On the other hand, Eddy Abernathy, a telemarketer friend of mine, spied the cardboard cut-out in the flesh at Big K on Friday.

crosshairsMoreover, "real" means "actual." A picture of a Pierce Brosnan collector's figurine on the internet said "actual size." After buying one, I stood it next to my "actual size" Skeletor -- and found Brosnan to be only twice as big. Hence, Pierce Brosnan is much shorter than he appears in the movies. Impossibly small, I'd argue.

crosshairsLet us turn to a quote from the cardboard cut-out in a recent interview in Venice magazine: "If anything, the bells and whistles around (Bond) have gotten so big, it was a challenge to make it a real drama." Now, those parentheses around "Bond" indicate the writer has replaced words. Or are they words? I contend that the text replaces the moment when Pierce Brosnan began squawking as his internal "speech program" hit some sort of glitch, which would also explain the "bells and whistles" that were probably going off in that chiseled cranium-like head-shell.

crosshairsSean Connery had a secretary named "Brosnan." Pierce Brosnan has a secretary named Connery.

crosshairsFinally, in "Mars Attacks," Brosnan was just a floating head in love with a dog.

crosshairsSo is he a construct designed by "Cubby" Broccoli's Q-like lab-techs to perpetuate the Bond franchise ad infinitum? Or have I wasted my life, hours I could have spent advancing my own career, had a family, or any relationships at all? The answer is clear.

The Code Name