Bob Jones University Application

Name: Hezekiah Jonameth
  1. Christian
  2. Devout Christian
  3. Other
  1. Caucasian
  2. Other
High School: Thomas Jefferson Proselytization Magnet School
Bible School: First Nondenominational Church of Mississippi
Extracurricular Activities:
"The Sower and the Seeds" 4-H Club
"Who Wants to Be a Missionary?" (Bible Quiz Bowl)
The Rockapostles (Acapella Group)

If you were stuck in some godforsaken third world country, what three books would you bring with you?
The Turner Diaries, The Bell Curve, Uncle Tom's Cabin                                 

If you could have some grub with three people, who would they be?
Robert Jones, Marcus Garvey, Jim Crow.                                                     
I'd especially like to ask Mr. Crow where he got his vision for all them laws.
Mr. Garvey had the idea of "going back to their roots" just right.                    

Please write a personal statement, letting us know why you chose Bob Jones University and what you hope to gain from a Bob Jones education:

Dear Mr. Robert Jones,

I look forward to my opportunity to study Biblical Horticulture at Bob Jones University. I thank the Sons of George Wallace for their generous scholarship.

When I was planning to go to college, my grandfather said to me, "Son," (he has a little trouble remembering people these days), "You gotta go where a man can still be free to think whatever he damn well pleases" (excuse his cursin' - that's a generations thing) "about Kikes and WOPs and Spics and coloureds of all shapes and hues."

Now, he still holds some old school views. I told him, "We don't call them WOPs anymore. We call them guidos." But he's fairly set in his ways.

I was heartened to hear that you had rolled over on your policy on interracial dating. While my girlfriend, Constance Lemon, is white as a chicken's tail feathers, my other girl, on the sly, is black as charbroiled rabbit. I like to think that I'm what the application to work at the Gas, Bait N' Army Surplus Mart called, "an equal opportunity" employer. She's going to Howard, and I said to her, "How racist can you get? They only accept Black people." She won't listen to me. I met her because she was bussed to my high school. I can still hear the people yelling about how bad bussing is, but I say, it's a waste of gas for everyone to drive themselves to school.

Now, my friends say you are anti-Catholic. But I see you more as pro-everything-but-Catholic.

Please accept my apologies for everything George W. Bush said about your policies. That's guys a no account.

Hezekiah Jonameth

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